How do I start this.. It’s not a revolution, it’s not a mystery. I think I am writing this mainly for myself to voice out loud what I believe but hoping it will bless, challenge and cause you to think about what you believe about this. Not just what I’ve written, or what you’ve been told by culture, tradition, social norm or religion.
What am I talking about? Relationships of course… on Monday a mentee asked “Do you believe in the one or does God give us options?” I’m not sure why she asked, maybe it’s because it’s the week of “love”, the colour red is everywhere. People are breaking up to avoid the pressure of making a grand gesture, some are getting together so they aren’t alone and some married couples are asking each other, “are we doing anything this year? While there are single people hoping this year will be their year and others really don’t care.
Sorry.. I digressed, whatever the reason, the other ladies in the group provided well thought out answers to her question but me I stayed quiet. Partly because I like the ladies to have the opportunity to discuss before I weigh in but also because I just felt like there was something wrong with the question. I have heard a variety of this same question in the past for example is there anything like a soul mate? Does God choose who you marry? Is there anything like the one? I have asked some myself but yesterday for the first time, the question sounded wrong to me.
What was also interesting is that I asked the question on Instagram and as expected I received a wide variety of answers, some said yes there is such a thing as the one, others said God gives options, some said God gives options and whoever you choose is the one. God does not choose for us but He gives guidelines for us to choose etc. Guidelines like “do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever”- 2 Corinthians 6:14, for guys it seems the bible is clearer about the characteristics they should look for in a woman thanks to Proverbs 31 lol.
What scriptures do women use when holding men up to standard? I can think of Proverbs 20:6- “Who can find a faithful man?” What others? (Asking for a friend, lol).
But that is not the point of this post.. The point is I think we have not been asking the right question.
For example, asking whether there is anyone like a soul mate-I think, our souls are being regenerated… so how can you trust your soul to pick the right person? Does that mean everytime your soul is renewed, you would change spouses or hope that your partner’s soul grows with yours?
Does God choose for us? My answer to that is God does not even choose salvation for us. He made it available but you still have to receive it. God grants us free will.
So I am guessing you want to know what I think the right question should be… but wait let me address the question about the one, be patient.
Is there any such thing as the one? The one what? Is there one person God would want you to marry, to get into covenant with so you can fulfil His purpose for your life? My answer is yes. As you read through you will see why. But I will also add that whoever you marry becomes your one.. Whether you chose God’s way or not.
My older brother, Ade says “one only exists in marriage”. The two become one in marriage. So bro and sis, if you are married and you are wondering if the person you married is the one.. That person is.. No deep mystery.
But the question as to whether there is such a thing as “the one”. I think it’s not a helpful question and you will find out why later. My friend, Kunle Oyedeji address this issue in his book “Relationship Matters” and you can read “Sacred Search” by Gary Thomas, they both believe there is no such thing as the one but go read to find their reason.
Does God gives us options? I think life gives us options. One of my sisters yesterday said she had never heard that God gave options before and had always been encouraged to pray for the bone of her bones and the flesh of her flesh.. Then she said “so do I have more bone of my bones out there, more than one Boaz”. She was not being sarcastic, though she made me laugh. Yesterday really showed me how varied our opinions are in the kingdom and life in general when it comes to relationships.
A brother of mine said, God no longer wanted man to blame Him so He said, “whoever finds a wife, finds a good thing..” so you do the finding so if it does not work you no longer have to blame God. To our human reasoning.. It makes sense. I get it but just like the bible says we work out our salvation with fear and trembling does not mean we are the ones that make salvation available, I don’t think find there means God does not care who you choose and you should just choose anyone.
But I still think those are the wrong questions in terms of a starting point.. I think the question we should ask is….Drum roll please……. Ok wait.. Before I say this.. I would ask that you read this with an open mind, you are free to disagree but ultimately ask God to give you His wisdom about this area so you don’t just go with the popular rhetoric that may not be founded in God.
Ok.. Here we go…
I think the right question is “Does God have a “will”regarding who you should marry?”
When we speak about God’s will, we refer to His desire, His intention towards us, for a lack of a better word, does God have an opinion about who you should marry?
Keep in mind that God numbered the hair on your head, knew you before you were formed in your mother’s womb, and knows you intricately and intimately.
How can you then comfortably think He does not have a will (intention, desire, opinion) concerning who you should marry? I believe He can show you who down to detail and name or by guidelines.. why not!
I agree you choose, you have freewill but freewill does not negate the fact that God has a will… just like in every area. He desires that we don’t conform to the world i.e. don’t do things their way but approach things as a transformed, regenerated person so we can be positioned to discover God’s will in that area and submit our will to His so we can do His will. (Romans 12:1-2).
I can already hear the arguments against this.. One of them being.. “What if the person marries someone else?”
The exercise of freewill does not mean God does not have a will of His own. You are free to choose, that does not mean God does not have a will.
What happens to the other one if one decides not to conform to God’s will or if one dies?
Well, disobedience does have ripple effects but God is merciful.. Adam’s sin affected his lineage but God in His mercy redeemed us. So I believe if one party marries someone that was not the will of God, there is still mercy, God can redeem. If a partner dies, God can still redeem the future of the person that’s left e.g. Ruth remarried once her husband died (not sure if he was God’s will for her or not but it is an example that even after a person’s husband dies, they can get remarried and live a fruitful life).
I did not write this to give an answer whether or not there is anything like “the one” or “soul mate”, mainly because I think those are the wrong questions to start from. What I wrote are my opinions on them, not an answer. (Disclaimer-lol).
The right question in my opinion is “does God have a will, concerning who you should marry?” Does God care about who you choose to do life with keeping in mind that He ordained you for a purpose. I’m not answering this one for you… though I think it’s obvious.
If you come to the conclusion that yes, God has a will concerning my marriage and you have resolved in life to do His will, then the next question should be, how do you discover God’s will for your marriage?
Lol… it does not answer whether God hand picks one person.. But it does centre your heart back to where it should be.. This is to choose according to His will and not yours. If you discover God’s will and you choose God’s will, that does not mean you marriage will not have challenges but at least you have confidence that you chose according to God’s will and you have to keep choosing according to God’s will every day with that person. God has a purpose for every family, marriage is the foundation of the family, if the foundation is wrong what can the righteous do.
The options theory is problematic because I think it leads us further into the trial and error lifestyle that leaves a trail of broken people in its stead. I believe asking God to reveal His will concerning your marriage is the way to go. It does not absolve you of the responsibility to choose but aligns you to God’s will so you can choose. Life has options, not every option is from God and the options theory as far as I know makes it seem like anyone you pick is right and we all by personal experience or from stories we hear know that some people picked the wrong one.
People will seek God’s will concerning the job they should take, apply for, their purpose in life but casually pick one of the options available but who you marry has a huge impact on whether you fulfil God’s purpose for your life and how you live. I mean….
Someone said, what if we don’t hear God? Not being able to hear God is not the same as God not having a will. Then as with other areas I believe you should work at being able to hear God, when you hear, so you can be led. God speaks!
Saying God has a will concerning who you marry does not absolve you of the responsibility to choose and to make it work. But let God be your starting point, He knows best, if you align to His will and choose accordingly, involving Him every step of the way, how could you go wrong, and when the storm comes, He will be your anchor. The decision on who you marry is critical to the fulfilment of your destiny and should not be taken flippantly.
I think I have made my point.. I am currently single.. still learning and growing, I share some of my lessons in my upcoming book “not again”. This is meant to be a blog so I will conclude. Whether you agree there is the one or God gives you options like its multiple choice and all of the above is the correct answer, my main point is seek His will. Hear Him, be led by God on who you choose or who you say yes to, your future depends on it.
I got my mum to read the first draft as I did not want to lead you wrongly and it is such a sensitive issue that can affect the trajectory of your life, here’s what she said:
No doubt you have an opinion on what I have shared, please feel free to comment so I can learn from your wisdom or experience. Ultimately I pray that God helps the single people to choose according to His will and for the married people to keep loving and working together in love.
Thank you for reading. This is clearly not a blog but a mini book. Lol.